I. Family dinner
My guinea-pig child, now 21, was home from college for the Christmas holidays. This child was not by temperament suited to be the unbuffered firstborn of a literary, free-thinking mother and an anxiety-prone father, the child of divorce, joint custody, and stepparenting. Her whole life she was a girl who liked things steady and predictable. Thus it came as a surprise to me when she disclosed her ideal family, the one she aims to have when she is the matriarch. The word she used was 'welcoming'. Should you want to be in her family, whoever you are, well, she is going to be happy to have you. Her house will have plenty of beds and plenty of dishes and plenty of congenial people sitting around discussing issues like women's health care and the third wave of feminism. I liked it. It sounded quite like the home she has grown up in, of which I have been the matriarch.
The last night before my daughter went back to college, we had another one of those family dinners, you know, me, my boyfriend, his daughter and son by his second wife, my daughters by my second husband, and my seven-year-old son by my third husband. The topic of conversation was how my son came to walk home from school, more than a mile up a steep, winding road, on a very warm day. 'What did you do when cars went by?' I asked. 'I stepped to the side of the road!' he answered. He was laughing at the success of his exploit. Not only had he been a very bold boy who had accomplished something he had been wanting to do; he had been impressively disobedient. We all laughed, and my boyfriend and I squeezed each other's hands, pleased and seduced by that happy-family idea, everyone safe and well-fed, getting along, taken care of.
But we are not married, and have no plans to blend our families. I come to the theory and practice of marriage at the start of the new millennium with a decidedly chequered past and an outsider's view. But, I admit, I'm still paying attention, implicated, at least, by the fact that my children assume they will get married. I see the same thing as many others do, the breakdown of the traditional family, but I don't see this as a dark and fearsome eventuality, rather as something interesting to observe, something that I have endured, survived, and actually benefited from, something that will certainly be part of the material from which my children build their lives.
Capitalism has an excellent reputation, among fans of the free market, for disseminating goods and information and moulding the lives of consumers in the ways that best serve both the system and individuals. If this is indeed the case, then late capitalism has evidently decided that what is best for us and our children is serial monogamy, frequent changes of employment, and a high degree of instability. It has decided that, on balance, it is better for all adults to work rather than for one designated gender to stay home with the children. It has decided that most children will spend at least part of their childhoods in the care of people outside their families. It has decided that the individual's relationship to society will be less and less mediated through the family and more and more experienced directly.
Fans of the free market would say that we should embrace rather than resist what capitalism has decided. Which is not to say that when, 16 years ago, I parted from the father of my two daughters, I wasn't traumatised. The choice of staying or leaving presented itself to me as a choice between suicide and mass murder. For years afterward, I secretly scrutinised the girls for signs of psychological damage, and I read, with sinking heart, every article in the news about the negative impact of divorce upon children. It wasn't until my son came along, the child of my next marriage, that I appreciated this gloriously cruel fact of life: had I not divorced my daughters' father, I would never have borne my son, and how could I do without any of the three of them? My daughters are 21 and 17 now, and they have spent many years contemplating their own family and the families of their friends, comparing and choosing and wishing. They have a network of siblings: a stepsister and stepbrother nearly their own age from their father's second marriage, a foster brother, also from that marriage, and a half brother, my son. Their stepsiblings have stepsiblings of their own, to whom my daughters feel related. All eight of these kids elect to maintain family ties with one another, ties that bind them more closely to one another than to their various stepparents. My daughters like the looseness of this and compare it favourably with the tightness of their friends' traditional families, which seem a little suffocating. And I have experienced the input of the stepparents and the stepsiblings as productive and enlightening. What I thought of as mass murder turned out to be freedom: freedom from the particular family pathology that the girls' father and I were monogamously building in our four-bedroom house on that corner lot in that state I now think of as Monogamy Central.
Let's say that there is only one thing we know about men: that they feel a tension between monogamy and promiscuity. Let's further say that the balance of that tension is different in different men, and that it changes as the men age, sometimes from monogamy toward promiscuity and sometimes from promiscuity toward monogamy. If we accept as fact only this one thing about men, then any one marriage would be more or less likely to be unstable, while at the same time marriage as an institution would be a valuable social check upon the chaos of promiscuity. Men themselves would have a stake in promoting stability for others while trying to find some wiggle room for themselves. One thing that seems to be evident from history is that marriage as a property relationship is more stable than marriage as a personal relationship. It is not until women emerge from property status that the tension between monogamy and promiscuity is really a problem. It is women with voices and a certain amount of power who force men to choose between possible types of relationships.
We can easily imagine a man having a mother, a housekeeper, a wife who has produced his legitimate children, a concubine, a sister, and even a female friend, all living under the same roof. The trouble is, we can't imagine him in the West. In America and Europe, custom requires that the mother and sister live elsewhere and all of the others be rolled into one, the wife. Wives require it, too. When courtship was about joining properties, then it could be short. Now that marriage is about being everything to one another, courtship takes a long time and can break down at any point. It is difficult to find a mate who is equally good at every function, and it is also difficult to know oneself well enough to know which function you care about more than the others. And then, of course, as the marriage project moves through its stages - householding, child-rearing, professional success, ageing - the functions you once cared about change or evolve. The great lover who can't manage to get a dirty dish into the dishwasher becomes more annoying than exciting, the wonderful friend who is infertile is a figure of tragedy, the terrific mother who harps about responsibility comes to seem like a nag. And that tension between monogamy and promiscuity remains, now transformed into a dilemma of character. The trouble with serial monogamy, which I define as being faithfully married to one person until you can't stand it any more, and then being faithfully married to another person who fits the new standard better, is that each transition in the series comes as a personal defeat.
Serial infidelity is even worse, a strange combination of victory and defeat every time the husband cheats on his wife, until he is numb not only to the moral attractions of monogamy but also to the erotic attractions of promiscuity. Capitalism doesn't decide between the two simultaneous male drives toward promiscuity and monogamy but promotes both frenetically, knowing, like stockbrokers, that there is more money to be made by churning a portfolio than by holding on to it. It is for the men themselves to decide how expensive a great deal of change is, and whether the expense, in the end, is worth it. As late capitalism becomes later capitalism, the pressure toward individual change can only increase, since change generates wealth and circulates it too. But change also promotes learning and flexibility, at least for some. Those who learn often not only find mates who suit them but also find out how to value those mates. They begin to master the idea of relating, sharing, forgiving, taking responsibility. They begin to understand the relative merits of monogamy and promiscuity, even to forge new modes of relating that transcend the apparent split between the two. Whether they can fit these new modes into marriage remains, however, to be seen.
Infidelity in marriage is a form of inattention. The spouse becomes less interesting than someone new, and the unfaithful party either isn't around much or seems distracted when he or she is. Some years ago, for example, a friend of mine had a breast biopsy. Her husband took her to the clinic on Thursday, stayed with her, brought her home, and tended to her that afternoon and evening. The next morning, when she was to go back for a check-up, he coolly suggested that their 16-year-old daughter could handle it and that the wife would be fine for the rest of the day by herself. It later turned out that he had prior plans to spend the day with his 25-year-old girlfriend and didn't want to change them. In the course of their bitter divorce, this callousness seemed particularly monstrous, the wife sitting home alone in pain and fear while the husband was cavorting with a woman 25 years his junior. Yes, he was a lout, but what if he had been able to treat both women with love and compassion, patience and tenderness? What if when he was with the wife he had been fully with her, and when he was with the girlfriend he had been fully with her? Would each have been satisfied? Could he, could anyone, have done that?
When I began seeing my current boyfriend, he had another girlfriend, who was seeing another guy. Since the very thing that broke up my last marriage was my former husband's infidelity, it seemed to me that I was putting myself right back into danger, and so for a long time we refrained from identifying our relationship even as a 'relationship.' We were friends, then 'all-inclusive friends'. A turning point came about six months in, when the other girlfriend broke up with her other boyfriend and said to Jack, 'Well, I guess it's just you and me again,' and he said to her, 'Well, you, me, and Jane.' Within a few weeks, she had another boyfriend. Sometimes we would have dinner together, all four of us, but our dinners were, to say the least, volatile. Even so, all of the relationships, mine with him, his with her, hers with the other guy, endured, and not without pain and jealousy on the part of every single one of us. But we had a principle. We were not married, and, further, we didn't wish to take marriage as our paradigm.
Couples in the West begin taking marriage as their paradigm almost as soon as they begin dating: going steady, exchanging rings, or whatever. It takes real conviction and unusual stubbornness to flout the paradigm, and I, for one, needed help to do so. More than anything, I wanted another marriage to close over my head like the surface of a vast sea, preventing the acquisition of any real understanding of myself, my sexuality, and my ways of relating to men. The other girlfriend and her very central place in the life of the man I loved prevented that, and her own refusal to allow her sexual freedom to be restricted offered a model of an alternative. Some men and women have the knack of being so delightfully present that time with them is worthwhile in and of itself, whether or not any promises about exclusiveness have been made. There are people in whom freedom is the very essence of their appeal, and those who love them have to make the choice: Is the desire to possess, in and of itself, more worth pursuing than the relationship with that delightful person, and if so, why? Or is that relationship, whatever it entails, the valuable thing? To be forced to ponder these questions is to be forced to ask yourself about your own freedom and autonomy, your own ability to be present with your friend or spouse when he is present with you as well as your ability to be present with yourself when he is not with you. One thing I have discovered is that I always mistook longing for love. If I felt enough longing, then that was the sure sign that this was love. The trouble was that I could feel longing for my friend when he was right there, in my arms, talking to me. If I got rid of the longing, then I didn't recognise what was left as love, and in fact it took me a long time to recognise love when I felt it. Not getting married was the education in learning not to be oblivious, but instead honest and observant. Fidelity, more than anything else, is the signifier of marriage. To forswear fidelity is to open yourself up to other ideas, other thoughts, about what love is, what desire is, what happiness is, and what commitment is.
It was inevitable that women would rise out of property status. Capitalism wants every consumer, and ultimately distinctions among consumers according to gender, age, geographical location or ethnic background must break down as the market extends itself. Since marriage began as a property relationship, its foundations are challenged by the transformation of the property into personhood. True marriage, or remarriage, begins with the revelation that union between male and female is a divine reconciliation between equals. The rise of women, in my opinion, is a done deal. Even a huge cataclysm seems incapable of returning women to property status.
Let's say that one thing is true about women: they know who their children are. The tension they feel is the tension between the claims of the self and the claims of the child, and once again the balance varies among individuals and over the course of a lifetime. The high fertility level of women suggests that nature favours culling rather than preselection as the mode of limiting the human population. In this, nature is like the free market, which is never merciful nor safe in the short term or to the individual. Free-market capitalism is very much like a large, vital ecosystem that balances itself over time by getting rid of this or that individual or group. As we proliferate, our value as units declines, and we have to enhance our value relative to others by offering a scarce talent, or else combining with others to share both the work and the wealth. The obvious course is to combine with men, the fathers of our children, as a way of avoiding the heartbreak of natural culling, but the success of feminism as an outgrowth of the free market requires the reconstitution of marriage so that both men and women benefit from it. At the turn of the millennium, that is where we find ourselves.
Marriage as a property relationship organised sex very clearly. The transfer of property from one family to another, and then from one generation to another, gave primacy to the reproductive function of sex. Reproductive choice is one of the products of free-market capitalism that actually has been as revolutionary as advertised, and undoubtedly could have destroyed marriage as a property relationship all by itself, because the effect of reproductive choice is to promote desire as an end, and endless desire as the ultimate goal. More optimistic philosophers of capitalism view desire as a form of greed, perhaps the highest form of greed, and therefore the most profitable. Pessimistic philosophers of capitalism have other ideas: a form of infantilism (Freud), a biological urge, a sin, a weakness, a failure of will. People who get married tend to view it as a promise.
The way someone defines desire determines its result. Defining it as hunger for something wanting, for example, dictates that it must be sated, especially in marriage; the best you can hope for is that tricks and brief deprivations will put off satiation temporarily. Some Hollywood movies, such as Casablanca, define it as a brief consummation preceded and followed by years of deprivation: the briefer the consummation, the more total the deprivation, the more perfect the experience of desire. Humphrey Bogart's last line to Claude Rains is spoken with relief: romantic deprivation is exactly what he has wanted all along. The alternative scenario, as in, for example, The Big Sleep, is that the couple will experience danger and potential deprivation, and their level of desire will thereby be enhanced beyond the power of permanent commitment to drain it off completely. The logical end of this line of thinking is Bonnie and Clyde or Natural Born Killers, the rapid alternation of sex and the threat of death climaxing in a shoot-out or the electric chair. In fact, for market capitalism, sex is like everything else - something to want when you don't have it and to not want when you do have it. This poses a problem for marriage based on personal relationship, especially since the fluctuating desires of two people need to be taken into account. The solution to the difficulties of marital sex offered by free-market capitalism is a lifetime of courtship, which, like all courtship, carries a high degree of cruelty. Not long ago I was at the beauty parlour, eavesdropping on a 70-year-old woman who, when the hairdresser asked if she had a boyfriend, said, 'Don't you know? At my age they say, "If he's younger than you, he's after your purse, if he's older than you, he's after a nurse."' We all laughed, because we ruefully agreed.
And yet courtship after 50 is illuminating in several ways. One of these grows out of the fact that the path from erection to ejaculation is neither as short nor as direct as it once was, thereby inviting both partners, but especially the man, to explore other, some cultures would say higher, modes of pleasure. Another grows out of the uncoupling of roles - neither partner is in the throes of choosing a career, defining an identity, or deciding whether and how to have children; the hopes and fears that impinge upon sexuality in one's twenties and thirties have become regrets or achievements, but at any rate are decided. Sexuality itself is less mysterious, more available for experimentation. Does endless desire result from relaxation? Comedian Chris Rock has said, 'A man is only as faithful as his options', and to that, greed, serial monogamy, and promiscuity would say, 'Amen!' Lifetime courtship is an option, though, not a requirement. Marital sex after 50 presents the same opportunities as extramarital sex, if the partners can deflect the definitions of desire that the market offers.
We marry to make ourselves happy. In this we have the approval of both free-market capitalism and the signers of the Declaration of Independence, who chose 'the pursuit of happiness' rather than 'property' as the appropriate corollary to life and liberty. Nevertheless, when we marry we mostly don't know what will make us happy. Happiness is a multiple-choice test: steady companionship? lots of stuff? a nice place to live? children? plenty of sex? good health? freedom to do what we want? The free market offers one suggestion after another, and serial monogamy as well as serial infidelity can be seen as a method of sampling all the wares, all the theories about happiness.
Capitalism has ordained diversity. I was Protestant-agnostic from St Louis. My first husband was Irish-Catholic from Wyoming. My second husband was Hungarian-Catholic from the Bronx. My third husband was Nordic-Baptist from Iowa. In every case, the things we knew unconsciously about how a family is constituted and what various verbal and physical signals meant sometimes agreed and sometimes disagreed. We often found ourselves misinterpreting, miscommunicating, feeling alone. Add to this the inherent communication differences between men and women, and intimacy seems an unlikely outcome. Our parents' wish that we marry within our faith and within our neighbourhood, seems, in retrospect, a practical alternative. The solution that capitalism offers is bargaining, and, indeed, we are often advised to become good negotiators in our relationships; that is, to communicate specifically and explicitly, to be fair in divvying up responsibilities, and to understand that relationships are like contracts. But bargaining in the home shares the limitations of bargaining in the marketplace. Advantage can be gained by being dishonest or secretive or by withholding a desired object. Bargaining also rewards the partners for soliciting third parties in deciding whether the agreement has been violated. A bargain can never truly be fair, and so it focuses the minds of the bargainers on inequities and betrayals.
The first requirement of intimacy is honesty. Honesty between spouses is supremely difficult unless each spouse feels complete, because bargaining is about negotiating needs; that is, compensations for incompleteness. If the only reason to marry is to be happy, and happiness can result only from intimacy, then serial monogamy is the natural result of a strategy of bargaining as a way of divvying up marital responsibilities.
Codependency is an interesting late-capitalist pathology that illuminates both intimacy and bargaining. The codependent is said to be someone who gives up an explicit bargain in favour of an implicit bargain. Instead of you taking care of me and me taking care of the children, say, or you bringing home the money and me taking care of the house, our bargain is, allegedly, that you act like my drunken father and I feel a sense of familiarity. Except that the codependent partners often don't consciously feel that such is the bargain they have made. Rather, they feel that they have committed themselves to each other, but problems of addiction, finances, illness, and temperament have made the commitment a troubled one. The instinct of the couple is to try harder to sustain the commitment, but their psychological advisers view this as the very sign that pathology is at work. If bargaining is the model, then they are right - good bargaining always strives for explicitness and fairness. If intimacy is the model, then something else is going on. Psychological professionals always say that codependents are avoiding intimacy, but, in fact, the partners actually have achieved a high level of intimacy, because they have confronted the inconveniences of each other and have chosen to accept them, rather than avoid them. The problem is not intimacy, per se, but each partner's sense of self. If the depredations of each partner had no negative effect, then the relationship would not be pathological but potentially transformative, rather like what happens when one spouse contracts a serious illness that puts both spouses to the test and brings them to new and deeper levels of intimacy. The most important requirement of recovery from addiction is absolute honesty, the most important requirement of intimacy, but, in the pantheon of self-serving virtues required by free-market capitalism, it is nowhere to be found.
Divorce laws in the state of California, where I live, are absolute. Whatever property accrues to the partners in a marriage accrues to both and shall be divided equally by both, no matter who accrued it, who left, who broke the contract. The moral construction of the marriage bond has no legal weight, and very little bargaining is allowed. Perhaps these laws were intended to retard marital breakdown. In a model where the husband accrues the money, then discards the wife and children for a younger woman, possibly he might be given pause by the idea that it's cheaper to keep her. If the model is different, and, for example, the money was accrued by the wife, who bore the children and kept to the contract but the husband left her anyway for a younger woman, giving in to his inherent drive toward promiscuity, then the outcome is the same - halving of the property. In such a case, the departing male has no reason to maintain the marriage and every reason to leave it. He who came in with nothing leaves with quite a bit - an excellent deal. In the divorce culture, laws like those in the state of California serve as a disincentive to marriage, especially between people of disparate incomes. Serial monogamy turns out to be a way periodically to halve your assets.
The free market, especially in the last 30 years, has decreed that disparate incomes shall be the norm. Those who have also have lawyers advising them on how to protect what they have against the intimate enemy, the potential future spouse, using the family trust, the prenuptial agreement. When I told my lawyer that my boyfriend was going to remodel my house, she advised me to get a strict estimate and regular billings, then to keep a record of the cheques I paid him with so that if we broke up he couldn't claim equity in the house and force me to sell it. In California, apparently, any type of affectional relationship is dangerous. Of course, the logical end to all of this is: every man a nomad, and every woman, too. And yet, as the baby-boom generation ages, the problem that faces Social Security faces individuals and families too. Who provides? When marriage was a property relationship and assets were concentrated in the hands of patriarchs, the answer was clear. Now, with assets circulating at an accelerated pace through an economy more and more in flux, customs regulating who pays and who is paid for have little time to take hold, while the selfishness and greed that are the default options of the system gain currency. Who pays for the children? Who pays for the men and women without pension plans? Who pays for the unlucky and the unwise? Greed and selfishness always say, not me!
IX. Why are you married?
I know quite a few people who support children not their own. I know some people who support children not even belonging to their spouses or mates. Why they would do so goes unanswered by both economics and sociobiology, and is explained only by invoking love or the common good. And free-market capitalism is a poor teacher when it comes to understanding love or the common good. Traditional marriage and family life don't have much more to say than self-interest does on these topics. Most of us at the turn of the millennium live in the fluid middle ground between the solitary Homo economicus, protecting his assets, and the tribe that uses degrees of blood kinship to define who is one of us and who is not. Our circle of relationships is chosen from those with whom we feel an affinity, and for such relationships as these, free-market capitalism offers no answers to the questions about who provides, what constitutes a commitment or an obligation or a responsibility, even what constitutes a relationship. The free market has shown us how our lives will look but not in what spirit they are to be lived.
If marriage or partnership is for anything now, then it is for this: learning by experience how to express love. Compassion, tenderness, patience, responsibility, kindness, and honesty are actions that elicit similar responses from others. These are not bargaining chips; when they are used that way they lose their essence as well as their ability to elicit anything from others but suspicion. Moreover, compassion, tenderness, patience, responsibility, kindness, and honesty increase the happiness of the compassionate, tender, patient, responsible, kind, and honest man or woman.
The social redemption of marriage in our time is precisely in intimacy as a countervailing force against the chaotic isolation promoted by free-market capitalism. If we can share with our spouses and understand that we both benefit, then we can share with our children and understand the same thing, and after that we can share with other children, and with our friends, with our communities, and with the larger community that is all around us, now rendered less fearsome by our own choice to approach it with a sense of connection. We can build up a network that reminds us over and over that connection is the very stuff of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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